


you sat and stared at my lips and i could already feel your kiss

by infinitely_merthur



Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Kissing, M/M, Non-Binary Remy, Smoking, emile is half turkish because why not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:07:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22989067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitely_merthur/pseuds/infinitely_merthur
Summary: In which Remy and Emile live in Turkey.(PLEASE SEE the beginning note for warnings!)
Relationships: Dr. Emile Picani & Sleep | Remy Sanders, Dr. Emile Picani/Sleep | Remy Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 15





	you sat and stared at my lips and i could already feel your kiss

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: swearing, mentions of neglect, mentions of emotional abuse, smoking, crying, mention of struggle with money, heartbreak, death, implied suicidal thought(?), self-deprecation (sort of), breakdown, slight angst, alcohol mention, kissing.
> 
> ive been working on this for a little while and im so glad to finally have finished it! i really hope the pacing is okay and im sorry this is such a messy fic but i hope you like it! annnnnd im sorry if there are a few off sentences, i did my best!

The night sky was clear with not even a single cloud in sight. Everything was almost silent except for the beautiful song of the crickets, making it an incredible night to be outside. The moon shone bright as it watched the creatures below with their nightly tasks; some people were asleep while others were outside, not wanting the night to end. It was a sight to behold.

There was an old oak tree that was at the far end of a small town. This particular oak tree was nothing special; the citizens of the town did not know where this tree was even placed, even though it was quite big. The tree lived and breathed like any other creature. It felt what the Earth felt–sadness, joy, horror, despair for life–but still, almost no-one was aware of the existence of such a tree. Except for two young adults, who met up every night at the tree ever since they were elementary school students. The two young adults, who were also not well known by the citizens of the town.

Emile Picani was a thoughtless young man. People described him as “clumsy” and “careless” and truth be told, he was! He wasn’t afraid to admit the fact that he tripped on air at least twice a day, nor the fact that he wasn’t exactly aware of what was going on half the time. These things didn’t matter to him. His philosophy was that unnecessary thinking almost always got people nowhere. Which was why it was ironic that he was currently thinking of all the possibilities why Remy was not there, for he was quite late. For all his preaching about living a life without thoughts, his mind was buzzing with “whats ifs”.

Emile paced around the tree. His concern was overtaking him. He never liked it when Remy was late. It could mean that they didn’t want to see him anymore. Or that they were trapped in their house again. Or that they were in trouble. Or–

Emile stopped himself. Worrying was getting him nowhere. There was an obvious good explanation as to why Remy was so late. He just had to wait and be patient. Even if he had to wait for another half hour.

Eventually, Emile heard the sound of heavy footsteps along with the heavy breathing of someone running. When Emile turned his head to look at the source of the sound, he saw a very exhausted Remy slowing down their pace. A huge smile appeared across Emile’s lips at the sight of his best friend. However, he was more worried than before, because there were only very few reasons in this world that would have made Remy run that fast.

“Glad that you could make it on time,” Emile joked.

“Shut up, babes. I’m definitely right on time. You’re just early.”

“Early enough to watch the sunset while waiting for you.”

Remy sighed. Their shoulders were tense and the bags under their eyes were worse. Emile knew the reason why Remy was so late–he always knew–but he wanted Remy to say it. See, Remy wasn’t so good at expressing themself, and they rarely talked about their personal life unless it was over a letter or another sort of message. So Emile waited patiently for his best friend to catch their breath.

After a few moments passed, Remy finally spoke up. “I got yelled at again.” Their voice was barely a whisper. Anyone would have mistaken it for the sound of the wind, but not Emile.

“The same old?”

“Obviously. Does it ever change?” Remy scoffed. “I forgot to do one little chore and she ganged up on me again. ‘You can’t do anything right, Remy. No wonder your father left us! Who would want to deal with you?’ Like, dude, maybe it’s your fault he left? I was just a kid back then so it obviously could not have been my fault.

“Then she went on about how she should have left me as well. Like, okay? Then just leave. The fuck do I care?”

Emile opened his mouth to say something but immediately closed it.

“Out with it,” Remy said.

“It’s just… you do care, Rem. Even if you may not be willing to admit it. You’ve buried it so deep inside you that you don’t even know you care.”

“Don’t give me that therapist crap, Em. You know it doesn’t work on me.”

“It would if you were willing to try it.”

Remy mumbled under their breath. They pulled out a cigarette pack and their lighter. They took out a cigarette, put it in their mouth, and lit it.

“Rem, no,” Emile said.

They blew some smoke out, “Shut it, Em. This is the only way I know how to deal with stress.”

Sighing, Emile admitted his defeat. He knew bickering with Remy got him nowhere.

The two sat under the great oak tree’s trunk, watching the starry night. They relished being in each other’s company. They felt safe in each other’s presence, even when the world was collapsing on them and everything was wrong.

“How’s everything going with you?” Remy asked after a while of silence.

“Same old,” Emile smiled sadly. “Well, Esme can look at me directly in the eyes for five seconds now without breaking away, so I guess that’s something.”

“Took her only twelve years but better late than never, huh?”

“Yeah.”

Emile sighed.

“The thing is, I know I remind her of my dad, but I just wish she could tolerate me or at least even try to. I see myself in the mirror every day and I’m reminded of my dad, but I don’t avoid looking at myself. Or, you know, pretend like I don’t even exist.”

“God, I hate her.” 

“I mean,” Emile started, suddenly having the feeling to defend her, “it’s hard for her since she lost the man she loved. She also sees his son, who looks almost like a replica of the man she loved, every day. So–”

“It’s bullshit and you know it,” Remy cut him off. “You lost both of your parents and now you have to deal with your dad’s second wife who acts like you don’t exist. You also deal with your best friend’s baggage more than it is healthy when I decide to open my mouth about my fucked up life. You’ve got yourself some pain too, so she ain’t the only one suffering.”

“You know I don’t mind listening to you.”

“Whatever. All I’m saying is she has no excuse for her actions and that you shouldn’t feel the need to defend her.”

Once a comfortable silence settled on them, they stared at the sky together, wondering if the world would ever show them a face of kindness they longed to have.

Not wanting to leave each other’s calm presence, they both fell asleep against each other.

The moonlight shone upon the two melancholic best friends. There was nothing much left of the nighttime except for the anticipated wait of the sunrise. And so the moon was left to do its job, which was to watch over the people of the entire Earth. It was a difficult job, and one which never ended, even if the moon grew with sorrow. At least the moon was not alone; it shone alongside the brilliant stars of the universe.

When it was finally time for sunrise, animals across the country began to wake up. Birds were chirping early in the morning; rabbits were hopping along with their families or by themself; roosters were yelling at people to awake–everything was alive, indicating the start of a fresh new day.

Remy was the first to wake up. They yawned and rubbed their eyes. When they realized where they were, they almost freaked–but really, it didn’t matter to them. They were outside under the marvelous tree where many wonders had occurred, they couldn’t care less if they were going to have yet another earful from their mom. Above all, they had fallen asleep against Emile, the one person they truly cared about. Emile’s bangs had gotten longer over the past few months and now they were almost covering his eyes. Gently, Remy moved them out of the way with their hand, revealing Emile’s full face. Remy’s eyes fell upon Emile’s sleeping face. He was lightly snoring with the most angelic look on his face. Remy’s eyes were filled with adoration and a soft look went across their face–something so rare and reserved for Emile only.

Ten minutes later, Emile slowly began to wake up.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Remy said in a soft voice.

“Mornin’, Rem,” Emile mumbled, his eyes newly fluttering open.

“It’s ‘bout time you woke up.”

“Mmph,” Emile replied. “Still sleepy.”

“Yeah well, we have a whole day of things to do, Em.”

“Don’t want to leave you,” Emile hugged Remy closer to him. Holding on tight, he buried his face against Remy’s neck. Smiling, Remy hugged him back, wishing they could freeze time.

“We’ll meet again tonight,” Remy promised.

“I know...but I feel safer when I’m with you,” Emile admitted.

“Hey. You know I’m never going to leave you. It’s just for a few hours, and we’ll be back. Alright?”

“Alright.”

Remy smiled, “Cool. Now let’s get back to our chores before we get our asses kicked.”

––––

As the two did their chores, the kids in the town went out to play. Families stayed for tea in each other’s homes. The citizens living there greeted each other with love and hostility. It was a fairly small town with around 2,000 living in it, so everyone knew each other. Many tourists would come and go during the year, especially in summer. People adored the fairy chimneys and were deeply fascinated by the fact that the early humans had lived here, many centuries ago. 

Some people woke up early in the morning–around five–to watch the hot air balloons set off across the sky; with the sunrise and the multiple hot air balloons dancing across the sky, it was a sight to behold. The entire town was marvelous. Anyone who ever visited never wanted to leave. Göreme was a captivating town to live in, which was what had drawn Remy’s parents to settle down there.

Two months after Remy’s birth, Isabella Lopez and Mateo Sanders wanted to move to Göreme. Before that, they had lived in Ankara–the capital city of Turkey–for five years. They had already visited Cappadocia in the previous years and were a wealthy enough family, so they found it no trouble to settle in and live there. The people living in the town barely knew English, so it was quite difficult at first for both parties to understand what the other was saying. Thankfully, in the years of living in Turkey (and watching a plethora of Turkish shows), Isabella and Mateo had picked up some Turkish and were able to speak to others.

So Remy grew up in Turkey speaking three languages: Spanish, English, and Turkish. When their father left, however, their mother put all the blame on Remy. Knowing that their mother cherished Spanish culture a great deal, they refused to speak Spanish; their plan was to anger their mother out of spite–and it worked! Unfortunately, it worked too well, because they slowly began to lose their Spanish. Now, Remy read all their Spanish books in fear of losing their mother tongue. Though, they read when they are hidden in their room or under the great oak tree, because never in a million years would Remy even dream of giving their mother the satisfaction that she still somewhat has a connection to her child.

Remy’s dad left them for a new family when Remy was seven years old. This was because Isabella had begun to drink more often than usual. After Mateo left, her drinking habits seemed to get worse. Isabella spent the next few months after Mateo leaving her by crying, drinking, and yelling at her child over the slightest inconvenience. Since she did not have a healthy outlet and could not bear the blame, she would burst out at her child. Remy had gotten better at avoiding her over the years and she had gotten better at pretending like they did not exist. Remy would never admit it to anyone but they wished they had a proper mother.

Remy was walking from the groceries to their house, thinking about how wonderful it would be to own a dog. Especially a beagle.

“Hey!” A kid called Remy. Turning their head, they spotted a few kids who seemed to be waiting patiently for him.

“Abi, topumuzu atar mısın?” Could you pass our ball to us?

Remy kicked the football next to him to the kid who just spoke. 

“Saol!” Thanks, He said and went back to the game.

Remy smiled a small smile. They wanted to join the game so bad, but they knew they couldn’t. Not unless they wanted to get another earful from their mother about what it means to have a responsibility and to grow up and how Remy’s not even there yet and that they never will be. Gripping their grocery bag tightly, they forced themself to not cry. No way would they ever go to their house with tears in their eyes. Their mother wouldn’t go all soft on them anyway–they had tried before and it hadn’t worked. No matter what they did, they were going to be seen as a failure in the eyes of their mother. Remy shook their head and forced themself to forget about it.

––––

Emile’s parents had a different story of coming to live in Göreme. Emma Picani and Efe Yılmaz met when they both worked as architects in Turkey. Efe was Turkish and had lived in Turkey all his life while Emma had recently moved to Turkey from America. Efe’s English was perfect, so they had no problem understanding each other. Everything was flawless at the start.

When they got married, Efe took Emma’s last name. Two years later when Emma got pregnant with Emile, things started to get a little bumpy. Emma would get sick from time-to-time and she would feel as though she couldn’t get up. The doctors told her to rest since they were unable to figure out why Emma felt so exhausted all the time. When she was a few months into the pregnancy, Emma got maternity leave until she gave birth. When the day finally came, Emma died by giving birth to their son. Efe was devastated; his heart was broken and he had no idea how to raise a child on his own. But he did not give up, for he had promised Emma that he would do everything in his power to make Emile happy.

A year went by and Efe did not seem to be recovering from his heartbreak. No matter what he did, no matter which therapist he went to, the hole in his heart did not seem to heal. Unfortunately, this began to affect his work life. He became sloppy and failed to meet deadlines. Sometimes he’d accidentally fall asleep in the middle of work. He even began to snap at his colleagues. Eventually, his boss fired him. With tears streaming down his face, Efe walked away from his office to his home. Over the next two years, he went from job to job as well as taking care of Emile. He had saved up some money, therefore he wasn’t in a horrible situation, however, he knew he would begin to struggle a lot if he did not do anything about it. But since the heartbreak and being a single father was weighing down on him, he could not do much.

So they had to move to Göreme. Most things were cheaper there than they were in İstanbul. When they moved, Efe began working at a small touristic shop. He didn’t make a lot but it was enough for him and Emile. One day he met another woman that was working there called Esme. A few months later they got married. Esme was smitten with Efe, while Efe did not seem to reciprocate the same intense feelings Esme had.

The marriage did not improve Efe’s health. Instead, it seemed to worsen it. Without having to move on he had married someone else. He felt like he betrayed Emma, and felt horrible for doing what he did. He knew Esme deserved better but he didn’t know how to go back. He also did not want any of this to weigh on Emile, for Efe loved his son more than anything and it broke his heart, even more, to know that he was letting his four-year-old son down.

One night when Efe went to sleep, he felt so burdened by his struggles he felt as though he could not take it anymore. He cried that night, making sure that no-one, especially Esme, heard him. The next morning, he did not wake up.

Esme was left devastated. And as Emile began to grow up into a fine young man, she realized how awfully similar Emile was to his dad. He was almost like a replica and Esme could not take it. She knew it was wrong but she decided to avoid Emile; selfishly, she pretended as though Emile didn’t even exist. Except for when she had to cook him meals, Esme never dared to look at him. Or else she was afraid she might end up like Efe.

Esme worked at Efe’s job at the little shop. And Emile went on with his daily life; he made sure the house was clean, made sure they had enough food in the fridge, made sure that everything was in order. But sometimes during the day, when he knew no-one would see him, he’d hide under his blanket and cry for hours until his eyes were dry.

––––

One night, when Remy was already under the great oak tree while smoking a cigarette, Emile came rushing towards them.

“Babe, slow down. What’s the rush?”

“Let’s run away,” Emile said.

Remy blinked. That was not what they thought Emile would say.

“Sounds like a dream, but, like, why?”

“You damn well know why. Everything sucks here.”

“Uhhh, no. The people who are supposed to look after us suck. Not this place. I love it here.” They blew out the smoke after extinguishing their cigarette.

“I mean yeah, same, but haven’t you had enough? Don’t you want to leave and never even look back here? We could settle in Ereğli! You know how much I’ve adored the sea there.”

“Em, honey, do you know how far Ereğli is from here? We don’t even have a car. Besides, Isabella and Esme wouldn’t allow us to use theirs.”

“I know. But both of us can save up for a car and we can save up even more for our life outside of here. We can finally get away from this nightmare.” Emile’s eyes were lit up with something Remy had never seen before: defeat. A chill went through Remy’s spine. They had never seen Emile like this before. It was quite scary. Emile was never the one to lose hope; he was always cheering Remy on about how wonderful the future will be, and that they just have to get through this and that it won’t always be like this. But that Emile was gone. Remy hoped it was for a temporary moment because they had no idea what they’d do if Emile were to break.

“Em, mi vida,” Remy said softly. “As much as I crave to get the fuck away from the monster in my house, I can’t. You always tell me that we just have to wait a little longer–”

“Forget about what I said. We can’t wait! They’re going to rip us apart, Rem.”

“Emile–”

“No. I’m tired of being treated as though I am the reason for my dad’s death. I’m tired of blaming myself when I had no control over this. I had no control over what happened to both of my parents and yet, Esme acts as though I caused it. She acts like I’m invisible; as if my existence is so insignificant that no one should even dare to pay attention to me. I’m exhausted, Remy. I am so, so exhausted,” Emile’s whole body was shaking. His face was wet with tears and the corners of his mouth were quivering–something Emile did whenever he hurt too much. Remy stood there and listened; they had no idea what else to do. “I think… I think I’m going to end up doing something very bad to myself if I don’t find a way out of it.” 

Remy didn’t move, didn’t speak. They only waited patiently for Emile to continue.

“I’m slowly losing it, Rem. I can’t keep myself together.”

Instead of speaking–for they were afraid they were going to say something wrong–they held out their arms. Emile, with tears pouring down his face, immediately ran in for a hug. Remy wrapped their arms around Emile, pulling him close towards them. They planted a small kiss on Emile’s forehead as he cried into the crook of Remy’s neck. The two stood there for a long time. Remy had all the patience in the world to wait for Emile. They didn’t want to rush anything with Emile, especially when their best friend was in an extremely fragile state. 

Emile was never the one to break. He always kept himself together and cried only in front of Remy. Emile was the literal definition of sunshine and optimism. That didn’t mean he couldn’t be pessimistic; no, Emile could absolutely be pessimistic. He could get mad and yell and be insensitive. He could hurt someone’s feelings but then apologize when he was in a calmer state. Emile was the most emotional one out of the both of them, Remy knew. Because while they walked around with no hint of emotion on their face, Emile’s feelings were on display for the whole world to see. But that did not stop the hurt Emile felt. Maybe he had gotten so good at ignoring it he eventually forgot he kept all the hurt inside. Remy would sometimes catch Emile look miserable but then it’d disappear as fast as it appeared. Without knowing, all the pain kept building up inside of Emile, ready to erupt.

And it finally had.

And it petrified Remy because they had never seen their best friend in such a sorrowful state. Emile looked so fragile, so broken. Remy thought Emile was going to collapse.

And they realized they had only one option.

They could not believe they were going to do this.

“Alright. Let’s run away.”

Pulling back, Emile looked at Remy in confusion. “Really?”

“You were right. They are going to rip us apart. So why don’t we just take off? We won’t even leave a note. I’m sure we can find a car or some shit to take us where we want to.”

Emile’s crying got to a sudden stop. “And we already have enough money to leave.”

“Yeah. But since we’re doing this, we need a few days to plan. At least two. Because we can’t just take off with no plan in mind. Or else we’ll end up someplace we don’t fucking know and we’ll regret that we haven’t thought of something prior. Besides, we also need to find a car.”

“I can take Esme’s small car. She almost never uses it so I don’t think she’ll miss it.”

“Great. Then we’ll have to find a place to settle into.”

“Ereğli,” Emile immediately said. “I’ve got a few friends there. I’m sure they’ll let us crash at their place until we find a place to stay.”

“When we find our place, we can do whatever the fuck we want.”

“We can get a dog!” Emile was smiling now. There was no way the pain he felt would go away, but he was feeling better.

“And we can travel.”

“Get proper phones!”

“A proper life.”

“And we’ll be living together.” Emile’s eyes sparkled with delight.

“Yeah, we will be.” Remy smiled. Their hands held on to Emile’s cold, soft hands. They rubbed their thumb against his hand as the wind blew on them, messing up Emile’s hair. Remy moved their other hand to get the hair away from Emile’s eyes. And when they looked up, they saw that Emile’s eyes, with a yearning look, were on their lips.

“May I kiss you?” Emile asked with the softest tone. Remy, with their knees buckling and having forgotten all the words in every language they speak, nodded their hand. The next thing they knew, Emile’s delicate lips were on theirs. Remy couped Emile’s face and kissed him back.

It wasn’t a perfect kiss–Remy smelt like cigarettes and Emile definitely smelt like dust–but it was perfect for them. The two relished in each other’s touch and kissed like there was no tomorrow. When they pulled away, both of their smiles were brighter than the sun. And at that moment, everything felt okay. Because they had each other.


End file.
